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I am an unfaithful husband. And a Christian. October 3, 2009

Posted by blessedpariah in Uncategorized.
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Over the course of the last three months, my world has absolutely been turned upside-down. And, in the words of that minor prophet Jimmy Buffet, “it’s my own damn fault.”

This is the story of a guy like many other guys. Caught in two lives, in two worlds, paying a terrible price, yet learning and growing. We see it in the headlines all the time– men who espouse, and truly believe, in a loving forgiving God, and who want to sincerely want to worship Him and live our lives for Him. Yet, we find ourselves driven by our needs, by our sin, into a double life, a world where we express a different side of ourselves. And yes, it’s all about sex. Porn, extra-marital affairs, masturbation, sexual fantasies that would curl the hair of any self-respecting Vivid videographer…all of the above. Jesus said, “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” You bet, it comes down so quickly and so hard. “Friends” in church stop calling, they just leave us alone in our darkest, loneliest hour. The things for which we go to church– a social network, volunteering to help a cause bigger than ourselves, having a place to love and be loved, being in that place where two or more are gathered in His name– all get pulled out from under us. You’re called a hypocrite, and the hard thing is, it’s true, true, true.

Then there’s the spouse. My infidelities just killed my wife emotionally. We have been married more than 20 years, and I have been unfaithful to her for more than half of them. My issues have impacted her life in a comprehensive way. We are separated, and I don’t know if we’ll ever get back together. The kids know– they are all teens– and they are somewhere between apathetic (not returning phone calls and texts) to furious (my daughter’s main interactions with me are loud and, shall we say, unedited). They are all puzzled by this question: how could a loving God have allowed this to happen?

Of course, there are a million other questions. Was I saved at all during my years of infidelity? (I say yes.) Was my entire life a lie? (No.) Why did I do it? ($10 million question. Will ponder in this forum.) What was I thinking? (Thinking? Are you joking?)

Finally, we have to make a choice. Do I reject the notion of a God who has put my ass in a serious sling? Who allowed me to be born, and to live my life, with serious character flaws, and who has not yet served as the answer to my life’s most compelling, serious issues? Or…

Do I believe that God truly good? That He can deliver me from my character flaws and so much more? That He can heal me, and just maybe, my marriage? That His path for me is hard, painful, lonely, difficult, but that it results in the best thing that could happen for my life…whatever that is?

I have chosen the second path. Yes, me, a lonely, heartbroken sinner. I’ve been a Christian for 30 years, yet I feel as if I am starting over and rewriting all of the rules in my life. If you’d like to walk beside me, I’ll be as honest as I can about what I learn and where I’m at.

I will introduce myself and my situation as this blog is written. Don’t expect a chronological account; my story will come through piece by piece. Names will always be changed. Don’t even think of asking for my real name; BP will do nicely. Who I am is not important; what is important is a difficult walk with a loving but holy God.

Thanks for reading.